I wish to be vulnerable again.
I wish to find another skin to
Settle into at night.
To hang my battle armour on a bedpost
And find a comforting arm to rest my head upon.
I wish to feel tempted again.
I wish to fall victim to the
Lure of Illusion and pretend that this union
That we are home in the depths of our sighs,
And the arch of my back is the slope of your bridge,
And when we fall to pieces,
What we build next reaches even closer to the sky.
I know that you lurk in the shadows of the future
And each step forward draws me
Closer to your fingertips,
Just waiting to draw me in and draw me out.
Can you feel yourself?
Rotting in there somewhere, begging to release
Anguish inside like a little hot rocket
Just needing to take off and explode.
Self-Loathing is the blast shield that gets
From point A to point B without living a moment.
But living is required; there is no dying here.
No brilliant supernova of a spirit overcome with need;
An entire world waiting in the black hole of a being
Feeds upon itself, consuming all the light that comes near.
Becoming deeper, darker, louder in its silence behind
The event horizon of a smile.
Don’t look into the eyes of the light, look down, straight down,
Hurtling forward without pause on a lonely orbit of Time and Space
Driving forward by inertia and gravity.
So grave inside a universe of missed moments for memories.
I recently discovered Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s HITRECORD media production company. I decided to just do it because I am tired of being scared. For now.
The first challenge I decided to take part in was Poem Every Day posted by thatwasnotveryravenofyou. Here is the fourth poem I contributed to the collaboration.
Silence fills the room with its laughter;
I can feel what I was missing throughout the day:
The sound of the house adjusting its seat,
The hum of the wires bringing us light,
The intake and exhale of breath in my lungs
a constant reminder that I live.
sometimes it feels like
a cave-in crushing my chest;
other times, scraped thin
sometimes terror sinks
its dull claws into your soul
just remember: breathe
I want to scream. To cry
To kick out against the rage
before it eats me whole.
Drowned in the bile of my own self-loathing
I burn and melt away
into puddles of foam
Smothered in something silent, a sadness
Lungs cannot breathe
Blood cannot course
All fades away to a blinding light,
piercing heart with jagged lances,
leaving nothing but bare ash and powdered bone
–a terrible memory of me
Dear woman in Kohl’s department store
those nine years ago
that thought it was okay to lean over,
whisper to me
among the headless blouses
and empty shirts half turned outside-
that I should “Just lose the weight”
as I contemplated just slicing all the bad parts away
in the mirror while
shopping for myself in the first time in over two years
for interview clothes:
I hope you stubbed your toe
really badly that day
and that you never have to go through
what you did to me hardly a week
after leaving that emotionally abusive relationship
with an alcoholic husband
who only brought home paychecks and disease
while you suffer from
returning to your hometown without a place to live
–except your parent’s spare room
–though you hoped to change that soon,
hence the excruciating trip into public
in the first place–
in an effort to heal and build a life for yourself and your child.
you only ever experience kindness
and that the triumphant expression you bore
as you walked away with head held high
having shared such wisened wisdom with a total stranger
brought you the happiness it seemed to.
At least then my pain would have brought
A marble granite monster
A walking vegetative mess
i see you
i know you
i feel you
and feeling chills my blood
A poison strong and crippling
Solidifying my veins
cholesterol of the mind
Thinking Slowing Hardening
Trapped in your own skin
Unable to breathe
Unable to move
Unable to eat away
Or to sleep away
For each baby step carve
Yourself out of the
mountainside of air
Squashing into jelly
legs that no longer work
A tension so bittersweet for
lies only with death
for new sunrises
intimately knowing how
to guide one’s heart true